Here comes the *yawn*...parade... (A Hollywood Studios Rant)

The Magic Kingdom announced its total revival of what to do with all the land behind Fantasyland. They are getting a new roller coaster (Its indoor, so I don’t have much hope for its intensity), a few new buildings, the long-anticipated Little Mermaid ride, a new Beauty and the Beast-themed restaurant, and more stuff. While it sounds eerily similar to its expansion news around a year and a half ago, notice that there is no mention of the smaller Princess castles or the section devoted to fairies. The gender of the Magic Kingdom is still on the feminine side, but not as strong. Magic Kingdom is getting some love, now let’s look at the other side of the spectrum.

I just saw the brand new parade at Hollywood Studios. Not only has this become the worst parade in Disney World, but it’s the biggest flop of an attraction within the Mickey borders since Stitch’s Dance Party in Magic Kingdom (Which literally did not survive a month). This parade consists of 7 floats, most of which are recycled from the far superior Block Party Bash. And then the new floats have no detail whatsoever on them, they are just blocks for characters to stand on. And then, they don’t even have all the main characters from the Pixar universe. The parade is extremely slow, to make up for the fact that there are barely enough floats to classify itself as a parade. There’s not much dancing, the music is repetitive and irritating after a few seconds, the entire thing doesn’t have a fraction of the energy of the Block Party Bash or even the daytime parades of Magic Kingdom.Remove the acrobatics, the green army men, the plethora of dance music, and the guest interaction, and every inch of energy, and you have the parade now running through the Studios.

There is no Ratatouille float. There is no Wall-E float. There isn’t even a Cars float. Come to think of it, there technically is no Incredibles float. Wait, there's no Finding Nemo float!!! What the heck!?!? There is no Mr. Potato Head, Syndrome, Edna, Rex, and not even Lightning McQueen. This hardly classifies as a celebration when most of the better Pixar characters don’t even make an appearance. Pete and his freakin’ dragon make an appearance in Main Street Electrical Parade—and I can’t think of five people that know of that film’s existence. So why can’t we have some major Pixar characters in this parade? This so-called “Countdown to Fun” was a half-assed idea with minimal effort, minimal planning, and minimal organization. At least have the floats appear in chronological order starting from Pixar’s first film to Pixar’s latest. Instead, Lotso gets his very own float in the end---and he is no Mickey Mouse (did the Imagineers even see Toy Story 3?).

So I wonder why Hollywood Studios got slapped in the face with a ridiculous parade of nothingness, when I realized that Hollywood hasn’t been doing too well in terms of content lately. Whether it’s the dismal Disney Channel Rocks, the rather weak American Idol Experience, or the ripoff Toy Story Mania (which honestly has more potential---but they focused instead on retreading the California Adventure version), Hollywood Studios hasn’t offered anything for the old-schoolers or absolute Disney fans. Unlike the other parks, Hollywood Studios tends to rely on the pulse of the current mainstream to release attractions and ideas, and the results are rides and shows that last very little because they date so darn quickly (See: Who Wants to be a Millionaire). The last time Hollywood Studios got something very nice (Besides the refurbishment of One Man’s Dream) was the actual Block Party Bash a couple years ago; which we just lost.

What upsets me the most is the pure potential that can be unleashed in the Hollywood Studios. This park can bring movies to life, so why are we focusing on sugar poppy music? I had a guest today very upset that Harry Potter was not in Disney, but instead in Universal. I am sure Disney could have really gotten Harry Potter before Universal, but decided to go against the author’s wishes and we got…..um….what did we get instead? Oh yea, Marvel..but wait..we can’t use Marvel. Where is the Star Wars roller coaster? Where is the Indiana Jones ride? Where is the influx of musicals not named after fairybook stories? Where is the martial arts show? Where is the horror attraction? Where is a Western-themed attraction?

Why is the Streets of America just an area for mediocre picture-taking or for paving a path to the Lights Motors Action Extreme Stunt Show? Streets of America has so much potential infused its not even funny. We can have a Frank Sinatra sing-along there. A show concerning musicals that take place in New York, Chitown, and San Francisco. We can have mobsters randomly show up for more entertainment. Hell, even adding some New York-like lights to the Streets of America at night would help. But, the theme of this park: wasted potential. Pixar Place is another example. Where is the music from the other Pixar movies? Toy Story is nice and all, but The Incredibles and Up had far superior music.It is Pixar Place, not Toy Story Land--add some freakin' Nemo music for crying out loud.

Last but not least, that wonderfully big Fantasmic stage. Oh what they can with that stage if they don’t want to spend the money on the actors. A medley of Star Wars, a medley of Spielberg, a medley of Pixar, a medley of musicals, a medley of movies from the Golden Age of Hollywood—these are all feasible with the images portrayed on the water and the special effects. But, instead, Fantasmic, only, and twice a week.

Bottom Line: My rant which seemed to have no point concerns this: I as a film major can see such amazingness in the Hollywood Studios, but yet again we are met disappointment with our latest so-called parade. It’s a sad celebration of Pixar, as not even all the main characters or movies are involved. We really need a new team of Imagineers to help the Studios, because the staff we have now clearly are not film fans. Otherwise, they would do much more (small and large details) to make this park the go-to park for movie entertainment. As for now, we have to put up with what we have…which is not much.

P.S. The new parade sucks. You can see people backing me up here. And here. And here. And here.