(Not Me)August hasn’t exactly been my month. Whether its crappy movies, crazy revelations, lack of hours, lack of money, failure to make competent decisions, having difficulty catching a break, or seeing my Rays remaining in the third place column in the AL East, August is kicking my arse. I needed something to lighten the spirits. I needed some way to change things, to finally have something move in my favor. Enter Le Tub.
Le Tub is a location in Hollywood, Florida, a small yet friendly town full of old-school Floridians, lost tourists, beach bums, and birds that can strike fear into the hearts of children. The area itself has over 141,000 people so while the area is small; the amount of people is a decent number. At the edge of the city lie a lovely beach and a boardwalk full of restaurants and shops. Le Tub itself is a very hidden location, its parking lot can only fit a measly 7-8 cars. I’ve studied and researched this place for about a year, and this place is about as old-school as you can get: no kids after 8:00, the place doesn’t open until noon, they only accept cash, you serve your own water if that’s all you are drinking (there are water coolers everywhere), and the place doesn’t close until 4 in the morning. Last but not least, waiting up to 90 minutes for your cheeseburger just may happen on a busy day---the cheeseburger itself takes 20-30 minutes to cook and prepare.
Now the question is, why travel these three hours in order to try this $10-$15 burger? Very simple: the acclaim. Le Tub has been voted best burger joint my multiple multiple magazines, newspapers, and blogs around the country. The place skyrocketed into fame after an appearance in the Oprah Winfrey Show (which can make even buttons a hot-seller if they wanted to) and an appearance on the top of GQ Magazine. The GQ Magazine was the important one, because it was written by a man who spent years traveling the country and went to over 100 burger places to perform his list. So why not attempt a burger that has received so much fame?
The drive itself to Hollywood wasn’t too bad; it’s actually quite easy to find the city. A turnpike here, and two interstate merges later, Hollywood welcomes you to its clean houses, unnecessary roundabouts, and streets that seem to lack gas stations (head over there and you’ll see what I am talking about). Once hitting Ocean Drive though, you must pay attention otherwise you’ll totally skip the entire restaurant without even noticing. After passing by it once (and almost twice), failing to find parking (the bars and eateries around Le Tub hate the burger joint, simply because its sucking away at the business of the surrounding areas), and then having to head to the beach to park (lovely beach by the way), I have finally reached my destination. The only thing in my stomach was banana milk; my partner in crime Brittany had only mints in hers.
The place is wildly decorated. There are toilets everywhere, wooden benches, chairs, and tables all over the place, plants blending in with the building, and birds of all shapes and sizes roaming out and about. At the end of the restaurant is a beautiful-looking lake with huge, viscous fishes that eat anything that falls in the water (except for lettuce, go figure). For more hilarity and old-school flavor, there are hand-made signs everywhere. Even the menus are hand-drawn. The menu doesn’t make the burger stand out amongst the other items; each item is treated equally—even when 85% of the people visiting are there for only one reason.
I order the burger of course, medium well. Brittany does the same thing. Medium well. We order fries as well. Brittany and I enjoy the scenery and the friendly environment of the location while we waited. The service isn’t very formal, but still full of smiles, information, and conversations about food, the town, and the celebrities that visit (Payton Manning, Dennis Rodman). 20 minutes later, the burgers arrive. They are massive-looking 13-oz burgers with onions, lettuce, and tomatoes on the side. The buns themselves look helpless as they try to cling on to the burger. It was like watching a small man attempt to carry a 500-pound woman from the car to the front door of a house. I waited about a year for this moment. I take a bite.
Oh.
My.
God.
The cheeseburger was the most amazing thing I have ever tasted. My taste buds started dancing. My eyes were watering up in sheer joy, excitement, and amazement. Here I am, living 5 minutes away from at least 7 five-star restaurants and not one of them could ever satisfy my taste buds the way this cheeseburger just did. Every single happy song started playing in my head as I continue tackling this piece of Gody art (Happy Together, My Girl, Beautiful Day, Crazy Little Thing Called Love, Don’t Stop Me Now, Sex and Candy, Crush, Crazy…). The comments were piling up:
“I want to cry now”
“I love you”
“Where has this been all my life?”
“God created this on the 7th day”
“If there was a better burger, God would probably keep it for Himself”
“So this is what spiritual nirvana tastes like”
“I am so sad because I am almost finished”
“I don’t want this to be over”
“My problems have suddenly disappeared”
“Worries? What worries?”
“Can we move here?”
“Can we work here? We’ll work for food”
“Do I have to work tomorrow?”
There were probably more, but we were both so infatuated by what we were eating, we quickly forgot what was said. The world slowed down, just a little, during this lunch. Now I know a good portion of you will argue that hunger played a role in the burger tasting so well. My response: hush, hunger had nothing to do with the flavor that explodes every time you take a bite. Heh, I have not even mentioned the fries. The French fries were amazingly done as well. The food was inches away from perfection—the only way to top this meal was is if the food was all free. Other than that, there was nothing wrong with this burger.
How on earth could a small burger place in a small town outperform any cheeseburger a five-star restaurant could muster? The burger cut itself was different, it was not extremely big but was extremely thick. Somehow, someway, they managed to preserve every ounce of potential flavor for the meat from first bite to last.
I was finished, and I was a mesh of happy and sad. Happy because one of my stupid dreams was fulfilled and was everything I had dreamed about. Sad because the meal was over and it was time to move on. Or was it?
The server (who is usually bartender but the place experienced a lot of call-ins) asked us if we wanted more. This was the fatal question. We asked for one more burger. Yes boys and girls, I am about to consume over a pound of burger meat, 26 ounces in all. Another 15 minutes later, the second round arrives. But honestly, how could they possibly top the first burg-
Oh.
My.
God…………
How…how?!?!?!?!?
The second burger was even better than the first, and I don’t even know how that was possible. Mine was well-done instead of medium-well, and my goodness I could barely stand while fighting the second hunk of meat. Brittany herself was staring at her plate in amazement, and also in disappointment because she knew she had a long fight ahead of her. Both of us took a bit longer consuming the second burger because we were so full from the first one. By the time we finished, our food was pretty much up to the lungs in backup. Our stomachs were working massive overtime to digest Heaven.
Our server then hands us key lime pie because he found out just how far I traveled to eat a burger. But, I couldn’t fit another bite, how was I going to eat dessert? But hey, it was free. Nonetheless, there’s no way that I could fit another bit-
Oh.
My… Never mind, you know what else I am going to say.
The key lime pie has also gotten more acclaim than a U2 song in the Grammys. And just like the burger, its reputation was earned with good reason. Me and Brittany had never felt such loving pain. After the dessert, we were stuck in our seats. Our server sat and talked to us while me and Brittany mentally recovered from what was easily one of the best (if not the best) lunches in the history of mankind. The record is a lovely 6 cheeseburgers consumed in one sitting, and it was set by a Detroit Lion (ironically, after their perfect season of losing). He also mentioned another guy who had three cheeseburgers, several beers, multiple margaritas, and other drinks in one sitting and was able to leave without “sharing what he had eaten with the floor.”
We paid, left a lovely tip, and slowly walked to the beach. The trip to the beach was tougher than performing the ballet Swan Lake with a hippo attached to your back and a fireball consuming your feet. After claiming our spot (by crafting a crater with our sudden shift in weight) we sat there, pondering how such mastery can be served in such a small venture. Perhaps some things are better left unexplained and instead enjoyed. Nonetheless, it was one hell of a lunch and one hell of an afternoon. It was worth the tolls, the three-hour drive, and the semi-hefty bill that awaited us at the end of the dance with consumer perfection.
Burger King. McDonalds. Wendys. TGI Fridays. Five Guys. Checkers. Fuddruckers. Maybe even Margaritaville (Sorry Mollie). They all have one thing in common; there’s a good chance they won’t be giving me a burger. My next burger will be back in Le Tub, because now the expectations of a good burger have been raised into the stratosphere. My fingers still have the smells of Le Tub, and it’s been over 8 hours since the visit (and yes you disgusting people, I have indeed washed my hands since the lunch).
Bottom Line: Le Tub is a must-visit eatery full of amazing scenery, amazing atmosphere, amazing food, and amazing fishes that consume burgers, tomatoes, bread, and even onions. At least once, treat yourself to this place, at least once. It’s along the way to Miami Beach, so it’s not like you are drifting away towards No Man’s Land. Le Tub is a place rapidly rising in popularity and with good reason, even if the restaurant looks like it can’t really expand upon what territory it already has. Their cheeseburger is definitely to die for, and then there are the fries, dessert, and bar that will remain open until 4 in the morning every single evening.
Best cheeseburger I’ve ever had. My next cheeseburger will be here, even if it might take months.
Trust me, I’m a critic.
Information:
http://www.theletub.com/
1100 N. Ocean Drive
Hollywood, Florida 33019
954-921-9425
I want one!!! Why didn't you bring me one?
ReplyDelete-Nathan