I am running for president. If Donald Trump can run and actually earn some support despite the racism, bigotry, misogamy, and absolute idiotic behavior, then I surely have a chance. I will be running as independent, not republican (because this party has gotten ugly) not democrat (because I fear for what will happen to this party post-Obama). Green Party, Whig, Florida Party, whatever. I’m still running as independent, the party name I will choose later.
In this article announcing my presidency, I will be simple and brief with a variety of topics plaguing me. If you are in agreeance with my stances on things, support me. Send me money. Otherwise, go away.
Vote Malespin.
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Highways
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Make me president, and I assure you that every single major highway in every major state will be 7 lanes. It’s time to eliminate traffic, it’s time for all Netflix/Amazon/UPS deliveries to arrive on time without issue and without excuses. To make things better, the two left lanes will have no speed limit. Let’s be honest, we all break the speed limit, so why even enforce it on all the lanes? Similar to the Autobahn in Germany, we will have lanes designed for you to go whatever speed you desire.
Catch: If you cause an accident, you lose your license for 7 years. If you are DUI in these highways, you will never have your license back. Makes the roads safer, and will allow more jobs involving buses.
P.S. After age 70, we will assign you a driver for the rest of your life. This is to make it safe for EVERYBODY.
Vote Malespin.
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Farmer Life
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If I am president, I will solve the food production issues by offering full tax exemptions to all farmers of America. Become an official farmer, and grow enough crops, and you won’t have to pay taxes throughout the year. We need more incentives for people to work these difficult, difficult jobs in helping feed America. Very simple.
P.S. I want to see Florida grow more types of crops, it has the land. I want Florida to be the top mango-producing state in the nation.
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Healthy Living
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Alright, here’s the biggest problem in trying to eat healthy: it is so freakin’ expensive. Orange juice, especially in Florida, should never be more than $6 a gallon. Seriously. Supermarkets secretly take advantage of the healthy food/organic food movement by charging insane prices. Have you been to a Whole Foods? Doesn’t it make you want to cry sometimes? Whole Foods serves fantastic products, but the prices can never justify it. What I will do as president is tax the supermarkets and stores that charge past what I shall call the Reasonable Price Line. With the RPL, I will list hundreds of products that allows for people and families to eat healthier---and will set what I believe are the proper prices. If Publix, Whole Foods, Wal-Mart, or anyone else exceeds the line, then they will pay a special tax at the end of the year.
It is time for orange juice to stop costing so much.
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RPL
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The Reasonable Price Line will also be applied to other things that I consider to be far too expensive:
Cable/internet, sports channels, gasoline, apartment prices, car insurance, health care visits, hospital visits, public parking, American cars (seriously), and much more. When I am president, I will ensure that businesses lower their prices and allow for the price of living to be much smaller----or pay the extra $$$ at the end of the year.
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Guns
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Owning a gun will be like owning a car: you need a great background check, good credit score, insurance, and a bank willing to back you up. Each of these things (usually) creates a decent citizen, so you should be rewarded with the opportunity to defend yourself. But we need stricter checks to prevent the senseless tragedies that have been plaguing the United States in the past several years. I will also ban assault rifles, you don’t need this crap. If you are hunting with an assault rifle or any automatic weapon, you are just being a prick.
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Parenting/Pet Owning
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You need a license to be a parent. And a pet owner. Take the necessary classes, do the necessary research, prove that you are good enough to watch over a loved one/a living creature. If you have a child and don’t have this license, you have a year to take care of that otherwise the child will go to parents looking to adopt. Too many terrible parents in this country. I am going to end this when I’m president.
Vote Malespin.
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NFL
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I will merge the CFL and the NFL so we can improve Canada/America relations, and that way expand the league without a poor team having to go all the way to England. I really don’t want this to happen.
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Warfare
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No more soldiers in the Middle East. You need to remove them, all of them. That area has been fighting since before Jesus. We need to focus strictly on the silent war nobody is talking about: the Drug War happening in North Mexico. We need to send our troops to the border and take care of a situation that has gotten quite out of hand----and its been right under our noses.
Thousands have died, gun companies are secretly arming the drug lords and their followers, contributing to the mess. It will be a terrible day when the war spills over and starts affecting Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas. In order to prevent this, our focus should strictly be in fixing, helping, and reviving north Mexico. You want people to stop “crossing the border?” Then try to help fix the country that we helped mess up in the first place…
Mexico is a beautiful country, full of beautiful people, beautiful history, and wonderful culture. They are a proud group, so if they are trying to leave the land they love, you know its for a big reason. The Drug War needs to end; we need to send more troops towards the border to try to calm the situation. There is another solution….
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Marijuana
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Legalize it. Everywhere. Tax it. Everywhere. Marijuana will increase the sales in art, movies, and especially, ESPECIALLY food. You want the economy to improve? Watch what marijuana can do, from the medical benefits to even becoming material used to make clothing. Just watch.
Vote Malespin.
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Gambling
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Legalize it. Everywhere. Tax the bejesus out of it, and watch the money fly. I can see a country that will make billions off of sports gambling, poker tournaments/leagues, fantasy sports and casinos scattered throughout. Now, each state will legalize it, but it will be limited to just a few select cities. That way the vices can be slightly contained…
Vote Malespin.
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Wi-Fi
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600 BILLION was spent in U.S. military. Vote for me, and I will take a quarter of that, and ensure that wi-fi will be fully available and free across all the major cities all over the nation. You’re welcome.
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Puerto Rico
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The United States made this beautiful island a mess after decades of neglect and lack of effort. I will fix this island and make it prosperous again.
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Education
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Standardized testing will be fully eliminated. College will be free the first two years, and will be dropped to affordable prices if you plan on pursing a college career. Universities need to start behaving like educational facilities as opposed to businesses trying to ring people dry. The nation will crumble unless we are better-educated.
Oh, and high schools need to offer classes about managing finances, common sense, and things you’ll have to deal with in the real world.
That’s about it.
Vote Malespin
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