"I'll be taking all my [Tears] to South Beach"

The Miami Heat are doomed. They are definitely, positively, temporarily, and ultimately doomed. And you know who doomed them? Eric Spoelestra. He has doomed this team into pure embarrassment and removed every last ounce of intimidation they may have had throughout the season. All it took was a brutal loss, a few choice words, and the stage is set. One of the cardinal rules of sports is that you don’t cry, not now, not ever---only exceptions being after the season is over or if a personal tragedy/major triumph has occurred. But while the season is still progressing? That should never happen. And now a coach in an interview mentioned how the team was in tears after a rough loss. You never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever do that. Especially not during a wimpy three-game (now 5) losing streak.

The Cavs lost nearly two-dozen losses in a row. Did you hear reports of their tears? Not sure how it rolls in other countries, but in my country, the coach would have been fired immediately, right after the comment was made. You just don't say stuff like that about your club--even if it might be true. Now, it’s not to sound manly, machoistic (Not a word, I know) or anything like that, but nothing removes all intimidation or fear quite like tears. Nothing removes the toughness factor like tears. And nothing brings the potential for more laughs, ridicule, and late night humor quite like picturing a basketball team full of grown men with tears. How am I going to fear taking on a team that shared tears? That’s like playing a football team that hates rain. Or like taking on a hockey team that hates fighting. You become so unafraid its laughable. This is what the opponents are doing, removing all previous notions of fear and treating them like just another basketball team. The Blazers dominated the Heat---IN MIAMI. And that was after barely beating a Dwight Howard-less Magic.

Now, did this actually happen? The crying? The chain of tears? No, perhaps it was slight exaggeration to prove that they are hurting. But those words were said, and I am sure Spoelstra wishes he never said that statement. Worst news for the Heat: the beginning of the end can potentially start right now. Look who is coming up: Lakers, Grizzlies, Spurs, Thunder, Hawks, and Nuggets--------all in that order. Even though we all know the Heat will make the playoffs (especially in the Eastern Conference) you can/should never go to the playoffs on a down note. Using a personal example, the Tampa Bay Rays late last year were so destroyed and tired from facing the Yankees and Red Sox in brutally close games to the very end (and plus some mild controversy about their lack of fans) they couldn’t get out of the first round against a much weaker Texas Rangers team (trust me, we were better than them…just didn’t prove it in October). The Heat will need all the help they can get leaving the second round at this rate.

Bottom Line: I now associate the Heat with grown men crying because things aren’t going their way. And now, although I still severely dislike them, I no longer fear them like I did the 96 Bulls, the 98 Yankees, the 2008 Patriots, and the 1998 Minnesota Vikings. I no longer fear them because the coach admitted their inability to face adversity without folding. This isn’t just a losing streak; its a streak that is revealing a lot about this Miami Heat team...more than what the Heat wanted us to know. What we have learned is that they can’t finish games, all the players are afraid of taking that last shot, they can’t beat the tougher teams, and that if you can contain one of the Big Three, then winning the game will follow.

Oh and that they cry.

And most important: The 29 other teams are no longer afraid of the Miami Heat.

P.S. Spoelestra's days are numbered if they lose the next couple games.

Rango: 8/10

Zany, trippy, bizarre, unique, and perplexing. But it totally works., 7 March 2011

After an extremely weak first quarter in the cinematic world full of remakes, re-dos, 3-D flicks and movies about gnomes (really…really?) we finally have something fresh, original, and quite trippy to kickoff 2011. Once again reaching into his Western roots, Gore Verbinski makes up for what he did to World's End and delivers one heck of an animated film. Rango is full of surprises: surprisingly violent, surprisingly smart, surprisingly full of western references left and right, and with a surprisingly incredible western score that matches that of Ennio Morricone (never thought I'd say that). If you can muster its sluggish start, extremely fast-pace humor and rather bizarre moments throughout, then you will thoroughly enjoy Rango and its Western mayhem. And who said the Western genre is dead....

Rango (Johnny Depp) is a chameleon that after a mishap inside his tank comes across a town full of desperation and hopelessness. With a little bit of luck and a lot of lying, Rango becomes sheriff of the town but runs into a lot of trouble when the water supply hits low and tensions start rising. The storyline is nothing new, but the script (Good work John Logan) is full of fresh ideas, fun action pieces, and a great assortment of characters. In the midst of the script lie so many homages and references to classic westerns you can make up one heck of a drinking game.

A strong factor into the fun of Rango is the excellent voice acting, which rivals that of Pixar's best casting work (See: The Incredibles and Finding Nemo). Johnny Depp is phenomenal in all his crazy roles, and his performance of the hilarious Rango is nothing short of brilliant. But, let's not forget the great work of Isla Fischer (as the lead female), Bill Nighy (as the sinister Rattlesnake Jake), and the great singing of the owl mariachi (Los Lobos). And speaking of singing, let's talk about music. Hans Zimmer was robbed when Inception didn't win Original Score, but he deserves even more praise with the score here. It is an incredible mix of guitar, strings, orchestra, and nods to masterful Morricone, and is hands-down the best score since Michael Giacchino's "Up." I am strongly contemplating buying the soundtrack if it's out in stores.

The three main reasons why Rango works: Johnny Depp, Hans Zimmer, and Gore Verbinski. Very few blockbuster directors have the zaniness and range of Verbinski; as his repertoire includes Pirates of the Caribbean (epic blockbuster), The Ring (horror), The Mexican (I still don't know...) and Mousehunt (underrated dark family comedy). His talents can be shown here as he interweaves strange dream sequences with unique action sequences and plenty of hilarious moments. This movie also doesn't hold back for the kiddies, as it has the language, adult dark humor, strong themes, and heavy violence of a good-ol' western. Just picture what were to happen if Chuck Jones directed a tamed Quentin Tarantino script. And Lord knows there is not enough Chuck Jones influence in the modern animated movie world.

Bottom Line: Rango works because of its fresh originality and its refusal to follow the clichéd rules of children animated flicks. It ditched the 3-D, ditched the watered-down tone we see all too much, while we experience a very unique take on Westerns while at the same time see plenty of odes and homages to them. The zany edge of classic Warner Brothers doesn't happen enough in this millennium (With Emperor's New Groove being the outstanding example) so its great whenever we see a Looney Tunes-style of entertainment. While the movie is quite gritty for a PG flick and some of its off-color content may throw you off, I am confident when I say that Rango is the first good flick of 2011. Once again Depp, great job. Your career is astounding and even underrated in critical acclaim standards. Zimmer, I think its time to start making an Oscar dedicated to you, because that was quite a musical trip. And Verbinski, I forgive you for World's End.

The Jungle Cruise Movie that Never Was

So one of my script ideas is officially dead. Disney has announced that Tom Hanks and Tim Allen are going to be starring in their big-budget-live-action version of the cult classic Disneyland ride. It is supposedly going to be written by one of the writers of Shrek and is going to contain that Night at the Museum vibe. Now, while I am not going to bash their take/direction on the attraction, I still wish I had my shot at it. I guess since I will never churn out the script in time, here is my overview of my film version of the Jungle Cruise.

I know for a fact that if I ran the teaser trailer to my movie, it would be a montage of exotic images of the scenery you’d see in the movie, with a very slow old-old-old school song playing in the background. My personal pick: “Someone’s Rocking my Dreamboat” by the Ink Spots. While this song slowly plays, you’ll see action-packed sequences and beautiful cinematography, but the only sound coming from the song.

My synopsis:
In New York City, a poor writer for a small independent newspaper (that is quickly going bankrupt during the cusp of the Great Depression) comes across a unique discovery. He notices that there has been an influx of disappearances by people traveling to South America in search of a free cruise down the Amazon River. So he takes his remaining money and travels to Columbia in search of the fabled cruise. Along the way he goes on a journey that takes him to destinations he could never imagine, while facing dangers that his wildest nightmares couldn’t create. All this is happening while a skipper dictates the journey as if he has seen it all before.

Small notes:
1) The soundtrack will be allllll music from the 1900s up until the 1940s. With songs from Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Fred Astaire, and other jazz legends.
2) The opening to the movie would consist of the main character walking down depressing streets as “I’ve Got Spurs that Jingle” plays in the background
3) The Amazon River will inexplicably turn into the Nile River and the Yangzi River, before reverting back to the Amazon
4) One mysterious character will be in the cruise with the main character and others: with him revealing himself as Walt Disney in the very end of the flick, looking for new ideas
5) There is no main villain, just a series of mishaps and adventures throughout the film. This includes escapes from native grounds, close encounters in a haunted temple, and an accidental running into a massive silverback gorilla like this one

Ah well, on to the next script. But if they pull a Big Thunder Mountain Railroad movie before I finish my script, I may have to seek a therapist.