The Gutless Financial Adventures of Zach Braff

Fun little true story: Robert Rodriguez became a lab rat to help fund his first full-length movie El Mariachi. Costing just $7,000, Rodriguez used every single cost-cutting technique humanely possible in order for his vision to become a reality. In spite of all the issues involving shooting an action movie with quite literally no money, he managed to attract Columbia Pictures, whom bought the rights, cleaned it up, made good money, and jump-started the career of one of the more creative directorial minds in North America. Our lab rat director eventually became a Hollywood icon and became involved with gems like Desperado, Sin City, Spy Kids (underrated, shut up), and Planet Terror.





Now here’s Zach Braff.


This man has a net worth of over $20 million and with Scrubs reruns the money does continue to fly into his bank account. If you think reruns don’t do much for our stars, I would like to introduce you to Jerry Seinfeld and the $200 million plus he has earned from his sitcom. Either way, Braff is an established Hollywood figure with one indie movie under his belt and plenty of acting credits.


But….he wanted YOU to finance HIS next film. He apparently wanted at least $4 million to make his next movie. He creates a Kickstarter campaign to have his fans donate money to help the cause of making his film a reality. In spite of having over $20 million, he feels like it’s the right thing to do to make random people donate money to help the cause of a millionaire.


Are you kidding me? Seriously Braff? Seriously?

Whatever happened to suffering for your art?

Whatever happened to art is pain?

Whatever happened to taking a risk to make something you love?


Braff knows nothing of this as he decides to run his greasy greedy hands into a website that is designed to help people with little or no money to make their ideas a reality. You have money Braff, and lots of it. You have plenty of money left over long after the project is done. Why do you want OUR money Braff? Are we watching your movie for free? Are we getting a free DVD for donating money? Are we allowed to provide any input to the film now that we have financially helped make into a reality? No, we get t-shirts---but with 10,000 we can speak in the movie----granted we provide our own transportation.


Whatever Zach Braff, you are ridiculous. The unemployment rate is still nice and high, thousands of people are struggling for attention in the movie industry, and many more are struggling to make ends meet altogether. Yet you can’t provide a cool couple million that you most definitely can afford to spend to make your movie? Screw you. An action movie mentioned earlier in this article has been made for $7,000. Blair Witch Project cost $50,000 and became a historic phenomenon. Saw cost just north of $1,000,000. Napoleon Dynamite cost $400,000. And what is the synopsis of this film that Braff needed millions of dollars for?


“Braff will portray a struggling actor, husband and father trying to find his identity and purpose at age 35. He winds up trying to home school his two children when his father can no longer afford to pay for private education and the only available public school is on its last legs.”


Are you kidding me??? Seriously? That is going to cost more than a bloody horror film full of traps and surprises? You need money for this? This can easily be a movie that can cost less than $2 million, especially if you plan on giving it just an Indie run around film festivals nationwide. Zach Braff, you are taking the easy way out of all this. You are a ridiculous millionaire that believes that your money is too good and far too important to not have to use on your own movie.

And before any of you jump at me, if I had dozens of millions at my arsenal and needed a couple million to finance a small indie movie, you bet your ass I will sign that check and hang a copy on my wall. Because this is what artists are supposed to do: take risks, make sacrifices, go the distance for the art, for the craft, to deliver the message, to get a point across. I refuse to support this, and I refuse to support you Zach Braff, for your inability to make the full leap to get this done on your own makes you less of an artist than a Jerry Springer cinematographer. You have the money and then some.



Finance your own $&$*$(%^#^(#^%(*#@ movie.


P.S. You people that donated are all fools.

Fast and Furious 6: 8/10

Fast and Furious has become the most awkwardly successful franchise in the history of film, and the sixth installment just adds to the insanity. Since when does a Part 6 to ANY film find any success or quality? This is an underrated first in cinematic history (Star Wars: A New Hope does not count) as this testosterone-laden monolith of an action flick delivers the women, cars, action, comedy, and themes of family that has become a staple to the franchise since its subtle revival in Fast and Furious.

If you have enjoyed this new direction of the Fast/Furious series then there will be nothing here that will disappoint you, from the stunts to the direction to the manly cast that makes the male viewers watching this look like Steve Urkel. The plot is a simple stop-that-man tale that involves the entire cast from Fast Five as well as a couple familiar faces from previous installments, which explains the opening sequence playing out like a flashback. The rest of the movie plays out like an extremely expensive music video with likable characters and high octane action sequences attached.

What keeps the motors of this movie (and franchise overall) running is the very likable cast of characters and the connection they've developed with the dedicated fanbase. Even though certain characters like Brian and Mia (Paul Walker shines but is limited) have taken less screen time and we have more focus on Dom and Luke (Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson), they each have their moments to shine and get the audience excited. The writing doesn't totally excel but it goes straight to the point of the conflict at hand and what is at stake.

But the cars and what happens to them is the heart and soul of Fast 6. Justin Lin is improving as an action director as he delivers the sequences with precise camera movement, surprisingly crisp cinematography, and enough space so that you can see the sheer scale of the mayhem occurring. While Fast Five still has the ultimate action sequence in the past half-decade, the latter action scenes will leave you breathless guaranteed.

This is a very you-get-what-you-paid for film, as it doesn't quite take the franchise to the next level, but maintains delivering what you've come to expect out of these films. The beautiful women will be here, as well as the buff men, the tough-as-nails action, the beautiful cars, the good soundtrack, and a pace that matches that of a car---once the engines are running it truly takes off. While there is no evolution, there is plenty of entertainment to go around for everybody willing to watch.

And do stay tuned for the credits. Just when you think that eventual next installment might be overkill, you will leave the theater excited.

Star Trek Into Darkness: 8/10

In every good blockbuster sequel, the stakes have to be higher, the conflict must be bigger, and there must be an added depth of darkness. Ever since Empire Strikes Back, this has become the go-to formula for all big sequels: start big, and then aim higher. You walk with the original, you dash with the sequel. Star Trek Into Darkness does a superb job following this technique and delivers an extremely exhilarating thrill ride that ramps up on an intensity level I have never before witnessed with anything associated with Star Trek---especially, especially on the final act.

Without spoiling too much (After all, with J.J. Abrams, you can never just give a synopsis to any of his work) the cast of the Enterprise get to experience a new threat that started from within the fleet and has practically begun to stage a war against the entire organization. Captain Kirk (Chris Pine) must face his greatest challenges while at the same time trying to maintain his stability as Captain. Alright, that’s pretty much all I can give you: plus a couple new characters, a new villain (Benedict Cumberpatch) entering the mix of the rebooted franchise.

With a writing team that has worked extensively with Abrams before (Lost, Fringe, Alias, Star Trek 09) this movie contains plenty of content, and plenty of grandiose themes about family and sacrifice. This summer movie isn’t shallow, it makes you care for the characters, feel for the more sentimental moments, and root for the team to survive one of their seemingly dozens of close calls. While I really couldn’t have cared less for one of the new characters (She might be blonde and might be the only one shown in a bra) the rest of the cast was back and fun to watch—especially Simon Pegg as Scotty.

After it was announced that Star Wars 7 was being helmed by Abrams, I treated this as kind of an audition as to how far he has progressed since his Felicity days and if he’s worthy of attempting Star Wars (I take that brand extremely seriously). Abrams definitely did not disappoint as he mixes heavy emotion with plenty of action, a slight pitch of comedy, and an abundance of twists and surprises. Lastly, there are so many nods to previous Star Trek movies that it nearly makes Into Darkness a bit predictable—which will be forgiven except by the thickest of true Trekkies.

Star Trek Into Darkness will please fans, will please non-fans, will please newcomers, will please fans of special effects (Which were phenomenal), and ultimately will please those looking for the great blockbuster. This movie improves upon the original reboot in many facets and doesn’t pull any punches. J.J. Abrams has taken Star Trek and has evolved it into more of a cult franchise, but one that is more inviting to newcomers and non-believers. Once the shock and thrills of the final act leaves the bloodstream, you will realize just how good a package Into Darkness truly is.

Iron Man 3: 8/10

Iron Man 3 reminds me of the modern-day comic books that we are reading nowadays. Like the movie, the comics in this day and age are a good blend of entertaining, thought-provoking, controversial, and frustrating—while constantly screwing with the usual continuity of the comic book characters. With an action-comedy staple writing the script and directing the movie, this film is the ultimate evidence of what happens when you choose an accomplished staff (See: the infuriating Dark Knight Rises) over a lesser-known staff that is head over heels in love with the comic (See: The ever-pleasing Avengers).

This frustratingly fun movie follows Tony Stark as he starts to hit rock bottom following the events of The Avengers and a rising threat that is attempting to spread terror and fear amongst the Americans---as if the aliens that had invaded New York previously wasn't enough. As Stark starts developing anxiety and worry about protecting his precious Pepper Potts, the Mandarin shakes things up by directly starting a war against Iron Man. Written by Shane Black, the movie feels less comic and more like a serious action movie with heavy buddy cop qualities seen in his earlier work.

The two biggest gripes that the hardcore and the old-schoolers will experience while watching this is the very grounded plot that doesn't allow us to see Iron Man in much actual combat, and also the rather baffling portrayal of The Mandarin. Iron Man 3 feels like Dark Knight Rises in terms of character running time, as Bruce Wayne/Tony Stark has far more screen time than their alter-egos. Luckily, Robert Downey Jr.'s portrayal as Stark remains spot-on and absolutely brilliant---whether he is cracking jokes or cracking under pressure. His surprise partnership with a lonely 6-year-old was a nice added touch.

Then there's The Mandarin.

Oh boy.

His portrayal here is so different from the comics that it may create a worldwide depression amongst the most avid of Iron Man fans. Even with an exhilarating final sequence that involves more Iron Man action and carnage than you can handle, the potential disgustingly bitter taste of seeing the very unique and rather ho-hum take on Iron Man's greatest nemesis will remain on your tongue.

What the movie industry still hasn't fully figured out is that comic books are like video games---you need a truly, madly, deeply dedicated fan to translate the work into the big screen successfully and to the appeal of the masses. With comics and games the fans are more invested, more embedded in the culture than most other kinds of entertainment. This is why there has yet to actually be a good video game movie (although Scott Pilgrim and Wreck-It Ralph are good gamer cultured movies) and just a handful of good comic book films.

Iron Man 3 will most definitely entertain with its great blend of action, comedy, heart, and a small hintage of suspense, I will give it a cinematic stamp of approval. The special effects was impressive, the direction and editing was crisp, and the entire cast did well with the script they were given. But forgiveness is a difficult thing, and I am not sure Shane Black and the Marvel staff will be forgiven for their---direction with the Iron Man franchise and brand.