Bad Teacher: 7/10

Let's hope they paid the actors more than the writers.....
24 June 2011

Bad Teacher is a great concept that resulted in a style of humor like most of the Adult Swim cartoons you see today: When the jokes hit they hit well, but when they miss, they miss quite badly. The cast was delightful, but could only go so far with the material. As a matter of fact, it was the cast that saved the movie from being a total disaster by providing their comedic chops, their charm, and their good comic timing that you don't see enough of nowadays. Despite all that however, Bad teacher is a shiny apple with a few rotten parts.

Elizabeth Hasley (Cameron Diaz) is a foul-mouthed, bitter, and quite nasty teacher that is keeping the job only to pay the bills after her rich fiancée dumps her. Facing debt, aging, and loneliness, Elizabeth starts setting her sights on a boob job and on a new (rich) teacher (Justin Timberlake), whom has also captured the attention of a manipulative rival (Lucy Punch). The script was helmed by two veteran writers of The Office (Gene Stupnitsky, Lee Eisenberg) as they use their non-television ratings boundaries to mix plenty of vulgar and raunchy humor with even some tidbits of cruel humor. Unfortunately, their lack of boundaries led to a mediocre script.

This film's biggest falters come in the form of the script. Despite the promise in the premise and the cast involved, the script was convoluted, and didn't have much structure until the second half. As a matter of fact, the film switches up the pace very unexpectedly when the next act approaches. Pretty much almost all the crude and vulgar humor failed to draw laughs, with one notable exception involving one of the odder "sex" scenes in recent memory. The movie was a great idea not exactly explored upon, and was full of smaller ideas that were not utilized. Many good smaller characters did not get enough time in the script; most notably the students, the gym teacher (Jason Segal) and the main character's roommate (Erik Stonestreet).

Despite the writing being a fickle mess, the cast was superb, from the small roles to the big ones. Cameron Diaz I can honestly say is one of the most underrated talents in Hollywood, because she rarely ever delivers a mediocre or weak performance. She has this aura, this energy that can save the worst of films (See: What Happens in Vegas) and it is no different here. Despite her smoking/drinking/vulgar/manipulative/cynical/cruel/superficial ways, we still secretly root for her to succeed in reaching her goal. Very few actresses can pull off this type of charm.

Lucy Punch, despite having a bit of questionable material, delivers as Diaz's rival. Jason Segal could have helped the movie a lot more if he was in it more often, as he delivered the laughs every time he was on-screen with his wit, sarcasm, and I-don't-care attitude. Television staples Phyllis Smith and Erik Stonestreet were hilarious in the far-too-few moments they were on-screen. The movie does indeed have its laughs, but the potential was so much greater considering all the talented actors involved.

Jake Kasdan as a director doesn't have much of a resume, but he does have the comedic chops and timing, and he proved this with the underrated Walk Hard. With Bad Teacher, he did not have as much good material to work with but could have still helped the movie if he had tightened the first third of the movie better. There was a lot more unnecessary fluff in the first half of the movie compared to the second half. Smaller plot lines were never resolved, certain jokes literally fell off without a punchline, and certain situations were brought up but never explored. Many concepts were also never explored: especially that of how shallow and shady we all become towards each other in the workforce.

Bottom Line: Bad Teacher was a great idea, poorly executed, but relentlessly saved by the energetic cast. This movie could have mixed the dark charm of Bad Santa with the subtle workforce ridiculousness humor of Office Space to become something very, very special. But neither style of humor was dwelled upon deep enough. The first half had its laughs, but was far too convoluted and was salvaged mainly because of the hilarity of Cameron Diaz. The movie definitely picks up later, but by then its too late, the potential was wasted. Either way, you will certainly laugh, you will remain entertained, but will also be bothered by what it could have been.

The Past, Present, and Potential Future of Smash Brothers

Super Smash Brothers has enjoyed an impressive run ever since its surprise hit appearance on the Nintendo 64 way back in 1999. Yes folks, the franchise of Smash Brothers is over 10 years old despite having only three entries. Smash Brothers Brawl is the best-selling fighting game of all-time, and Melee is close behind at second place. And while the Street Fighters and the Marvel fighters and the Mortal Kombats are more associated with the genre, Smash Brothers dethrones them all in terms of sales, reputation, and critical reviews.

In E3, it was announced that not only will Smash appear in the next Nintendo console (WiiU, stupid little name isn’t it?), but it will smash its way into the Nintendo 3DS. Yea, that one handheld that nobody is buying. This article is going to be huge, and it’s going to become purely dedicated to the franchise, where it has been, and where it should (in my opinion) be heading. In this article, I am going to showcase my dream Smash Brothers 4 title, and offer recommendations on how we can improve one of gaming’s most underappreciated franchises.


First things first, we are going to dedicate a few moments to Smash Brothers Melee. This is going to come off as a potentially blasphemous statement, and I don’t care. Ready for it? Here we go: Super Smash Brothers Melee is in my opinion the greatest fighting game in history. I rank this sucker above Street Fighter II, Soul Calibur, Marvel vs. Capcom 2 (I am still protesting 3), Killer Instinct (where is that sequel anyway?) and even Smash Brothers Brawl. Look, the fighters I mentioned are great in their own right; but Melee was the first fighter to truly become customizable to a point in which you can spend years brawling in different ways. Melee has the speed of the MvC franchise, the technical aspects of your strictest Street Fighters, and the combo-creating freelance gameplay of your earlier Soul Caliburs.

Smash Brothers Melee didn’t force you to rely on memorizing button combinations in order to pull off devastating moves. Instead, it forces you to learn 8 basic attacks (button “A” in four directions, button “B” in four directions) and quite literally build from there. Smash Brothers for the N64 was arguably the first video game to force you to alter your fighting strategy depending on what items suddenly appear in the field. Honestly, are you going to remain on the offensive towards your opponent when he is holding a bomb-omb? Smash Brothers also became the first major fighting game to get the environment involved by altering its happenings every so often, forcing you to sometimes play defensive not against other people, but from the obstacles in the course. Melee expands upon this by not only throwing more items in the field, but having the environment engage in the fight even more.


Unlike most fighting game sequels, that present more of the same without tweaking the formula too much, Smash Brothers Melee took all the strengths and weaknesses of the N64 cult classic and expanded and improved upon it. The game became much faster, much more furious, and allowed you to do so much more. You can now dodge attacks in the air, catch items, hold energy to deliver a more devastating blow, have more attacks to choose from (Melee was the first to have special moves executed by pressing right or left and “B” at the same time). The roster became much more balanced and while it wasn’t perfect, it was darn near close.


Earlier during this Melee lovefest, I mentioned its customizability. In single-player mode alone, there are multiple ways to battle. You can do an adventure mode, or just do it like a regular fighter and fight through the roster before taking on the final boss. Of, you can do an event mode in which pits you in dozens of different situations that you must fight through. Playing by yourself is rarely ever satisfying when it’s a fighting game. Honestly, Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat wears on you a bit until the next person is available. But Melee has hands-down the greatest single-player mode in any fighting game….ever. With all the trophies you have to collect, the deep adventure mode, and the multitude of secrets, it will take a very long time before you ever create a collective sigh and wonder when others will join in on the fun. And then there’s the multi-player.

There are a dozen different multi-player modes, and each of them you can customize the way you want to determine the winner. Even for the fighting game purists, there is a stamina mode that allows you to fight old-school fighter style—with a health meter going down with every hit. And guess what, you don’t always have to fight until someone dies: you can do a timed mode, or fight for the most points, or even fight for the most coins. If you do the math after all the counting of different modes, there are over 60 ways to fight each other. And that’s not including the fixing of what items can be on the field.

Now, most of you are going to argue that Brawl has all this and then some. This is true, Brawl has more characters, more stages, more gaming modes, and even a customizable map. However, in terms of the gameplay itself it took a step backwards. For some odd reason, they wanted to make this usually-hardcore fighter a bit mainstream by tweaking and fixing the speed and furiousness of the previous entry. The result is a slower game, a much slower game. And with the speed dimming down, the game just doesn’t feel as impressive when pulling off a killer assortment of combos. To add to that, they watered down several characters in order to make the roster more balanced. But what good is a balanced roster if you even watered-down Jigglypuff!??! And while there were more characters, the removal of Roy, Pichu, and especially Mewtwo is inexcusable.

Brawl is not a bad fighter by any means, but it’s like Marvel vs. Capcom 3: much more mainstream friendly, and with that we have a weaker, slower, and not as fulfilling fighter. Part of the fun is all the misguided mayhem, and this is where Melee (and Marvel vs. Capcom 2) succeeded the best. Can Smash Brothers 4 fix these lingering issues? Of course they can, but as of now, Super Smash Brothers Melee is the greatest fighter in the franchise, and arguably the best ever. The replay value of Melee stands as one of the best in the history of gaming.

Fixing Smash Brothers is no easy task, especially considering that they nearly perfected the formula to begin with—even if they took a few steps backwards. That being said, there are some elements that can be worked upon. The visuals are a no-brainer, and do not count in this article. HD-Smash Brothers will sell like hotcakes, no matter what. But here are 10 things I would like to see in Smash Brothers Armageddon (I am guessing that will be the title). These are in no particular order:

1) Improved Online Mode
This is a toughie because of the sheer speed of the fighting franchise. I honestly could not tell you how they can technologically pull off a lag-free versus mode over the internet. I think the only thing I recommend is minimize the amount of stages, and minimize certain items. Or, you can capture the hearts of certain purists by removing all items altogether. The fact remains that: Smash Brothers will never achieve its ultimate peak of quality until the online mode is implemented, and it works without any drag whatsoever. The exchanging of maps was a good idea, and worked well…that should become a staple in Smash Brothers.


2) Much Bigger Roster
I don’t want to hear any nonsense about balanced rosters. Look at Marvel vs. Capcom 2 and look at 3. While 3 was much more balanced, its character roster was so miserable that you become bored of it…..fast. The lack of Venom and Gambit to this day baffles my soul. Smash Brothers Armageddon needs to have at least 50 characters, I don’t care how, but it adds even more mayhem to a franchise that thrives on it. Add more Pokemon, add more third-party characters, bring back some of the forgotten ones, transform certain assist trophies into legitimate characters. This can be done, this can indeed happen, and it definitely should. Smash Brothers 4 should not become a Marvel vs. Capcom 3. Really Capcom…She-Hulk!!!?!?!?!?

3) Better Tracking of Statistics
This one is more implied towards the online portion of the game, but there should be a massive worldwide leaderboard system involving the game. Your accomplishments should find its way online for comparison with other people. They should also be easier to access. I am pretty sure that the original Smash was the easiest in terms of finding statistics. But like I said, this one is definitely not as important as some of my other requests, but would be nice nonetheless.

4) Not So Much “Fluff”
Part of the downfall of Brawl was that it added so much, that some of it became wholly unnecessary. The addition of CDs was a great idea. The trophies? Sure, that could work. The extra games that you can play for a mere minute? Not so much. The stickers? Meh, now we are pushing it. Smash thrives on replay value, but there comes a point in which its excessive. I think the next Smash should just stick with the trophies, and throw in the CDs. Nothing more, nothing less. Give me secret characters, and secret songs.

5) Removal of Final Smashes
This has to go. What was a good-looking idea turned into a bad one by creating these unnecessary one-hit KO attacks that cheapens the entire fight. I know that they can be removed in the item selection menu, but the mere offering is more proof that they are just trying to nab the mainstream-not-so-great-at-fighting-games crowd. Part of why Melee works so well is because no one character has that one irritating move that is unnecessarily deadly and pulverizes you regardless of situation.

6) Power-Up System
While Final Smash was a bit of a cheap shot, there should be a rewarding power-up system that makes you stronger the better you fight. And when you reach certain levels, then you can deliver a devastating blow. For example: Link. At level 1, Link is fighting normally, nothing special. At Level 2, his moves becomes a little stronger. At Level 3, hitting a certain button allows him to create a devastating combo attack. And, at the final level, he can create a crazy combo that can pretty much instantly kill anyone in the way. Now, I know this contradicts my complaints about Final Smash---but with a power-up system you have to EARN your way to a deadly move, as opposed to just getting an item. I am all in favor of adding a MvC-like power-up system to give the fight just a little more depth.

7) Removal of Clones/Diversify the Lineup
The clones were mildly annoying, but a forgettable afterthought in Melee. Brawl however; it went into overkill as we had Fox, Falco, AND Wolf with similar moves. And then Ganondorf STILL doesn’t use his sword, while Luigi still isn’t that far separated from Mario, nor is Toon Link separated much from Link. Then there is the Lucas/Ness combo, and the Ike/Marth combo. I don’t have a problem with these characters per say, but their movesets should become much more varied, much more different from the others. I propose that certain characters when you choose a different suit/style, their fighting technique differs. For example: with Mario you can choose whether you want regular Mario, or Dr. Mario, or even Sunshine Mario with his jetpack. With Link you can pick the age, Young Link, Teen Link, or Adult Link—and they differ. Hell, throw in Dark Link for good measure. But, the point is, a more diverse lineup would definitely help Smash Brothers 4

8) Deeper Level Design Mode
The map creation mode was a nice addition in Brawl, but was quite basic. In a time when Little Big Planet allows you to create entire levels (and eventually mini-games), Smash Brothers 4 should have a far deeper level design. More options should be implemented, more obstacles should be thrown in, just more of everything. The implement was nice, now let’s expand it.

9) Make it More Hardcore
Smash Brothers Melee was the hardcore title of the franchise. But even then, there were some more hardcore elements in the original. In Brawl, the hardcore element , disappeared. Items disappeared, characters disappeared, the game was smaller in scale, it was not as complex and deep, it was not as fast, and even the sound effects weren’t as effective. Smash Brothers Armageddon should be a game made for the hardcore Smash crowd—the crowd that competes in all the tournaments, that discovered the wavedashing techniques, the kind that can transform Jigglypuff from extra character to a deadly force. The sounds need to be more explosive, the game has to be faster, and just has to be nastier. Even the CPU was tougher in Melee. This is Nintendo’s chance to go back to the tough-fast-furious roots. I want Smash 4 to test me, I want Smash Brothers Armageddon to test my skills and limits before even considering facing other opponents.

10) More Surprises
Part of the appeal of Smash is all the nice little goodies and surprises that are sprinkled throughout the game. The fourth installment should have more of this, but should include some really nice stuff that can be obtained only longggg after you first start playing. If I remember correctly, Brawl was easier in nabbing extra characters and trophies when compared to Melee, leading to finishing the game and finding all the major stuff a lot sooner than I wanted. For my final request, keep those extra goodies, those nice little snippets coming, because they are fun to find, and fun to see. And by more surprises I also mean more characters too.

But now that we are on the subject of upgraded rosters and whatnot, the question is, who else should be in the roster for the next installment? Brawl opened up a new can of worms by throwing in some third-party characters. While it was nice to see, now our imaginations are going wild as to whom else can we see battling Mario in the next Smash Brothers. Capcom time and time again has in a subtle manner expressed interest in working on the Smash franchise. There were even rumors of a Nintendo vs. Capcom video game that were quickly squashed. But we can always dream, right? And this is exactly what the next section is: a lot of dreaming. These are 15 characters I would love to see added to the roster for the next Smash Brothers:



1) Many More Pokemon
We have Pokemon Trainer, Pikachu, Jigglypuff, and Lucario running around. But there are over 500 Pokemon in existence, and some incredible ones too. I would love to see Pokemon like Magmar, Alakazam, Gengar, Typhlosion, and others thrown in the fighting mix. I’ve always said there should be a Pokemon Smash Brothers, but until then I’d love to see more Pokemon in Smash 4.


2) Mewtwo and Pichu
The reason they have their own category is because they were in Melee, and for some odd reason removed from Brawl. Mewtwo is far cooler a character than Lucario, and Pichu was a cute ball of devastation in his own little way. They deserve to come back. Especially Mewtwo.


3) Samurai Goroh
Arguably Captain Falcon’s best-known rival is a big, fierce, strong, sword-wielding baddie with a nasty attitude and short temper. Sounds perfect for Smash 4, as he can slice through opponents with his sword and push others away with his physique.


4) Little Mac
Send this boxer into the ring with his arsenal of boxing moves and quick agility. It would be interesting to see Little Mac attempt t fight with no kicking moves.


5) Mega Man
Considering that Mega Man is inexplicably missing from MvC3, he should be included here to take on Samus as they are a bit similar in design. Mega Man can be slow, but extremely powerful with that unpredictable blaster.


6) Knuckles
We have Sonic, so why not add Knuckles? He can fly, he can punch, as he is a stronger, mightier, slower, but more intimidating version of Sonic. Nobody dare mention Tales.


7) Geno
It has been 15 years since we last saw him in a new game. But with the fanbase following him, its hard to believe that. No more, its time to bring Geno back. Give him all his majestic magical powers and weaker defense to the battlefield. I would love to see him brawl.


8) Ridley
While this one is tougher considering his size, Smash Bros. did manage to miniaturize Bowser so why won’t they do it for the famed Metroid villain? This sucker can fly, breathe fire, throw its body around quite fiercely, and of course has that deadly tail.


9) Giovanni
Pokemon Trainer exists with his three Pokemon, so why can’t Team Rocket have their variation? I’d love to see Giovanni with three evil Pokemon taking on the other characters. And like Pokemon trainer, just see him in the background.


10) K. Rool
Donkey Kong’s archrival should have his time in the sun too. Pit him against Bowser for baddest brute in the Smash Brothers series.


11) The Golden Sun Crew
Whether it be Issac, or Felix or Alex, Golden Sun has a lot of sword-wielding heroes with plenty of power and some Dijnn to boot. Everyone knows that if the next Smash has Final Smash again, we will see a major Dijnn attack that will take 30 seconds to execute, but will look gorgeous.


12) Bomberman
He has gotten no love in recent years, so its time for a comeback. Bomberman should have an arsenal of explosives to counteract with his weaker fighting abilities and slower speed. I’d love to fight with someone that has an endless supply of bombs.


13) Kamek
This could spice things up, by throwing a character that has the ability to alter all the other characters and potentially the environment.


14) Crono
No chance in hell. But Chrono Trigger would be an awesome inclusion to the Smash Brothers series, as there are plenty of awesome characters that can jump in the roster. Frog King anyone?



15) Captain Syrup
Wario’s biggest nemesis not named Mario, Captain Syrup is a very athletic, tough, nasty female pirate that can easily hang out with the tough females like Samus and Peach. She can wield a pirate sword and be just as fast as Shiek.

Bottom Line: The Super Smash Brothers franchise boasts a perfect record as they yet to release a disappointment. While Brawl is nowhere near as good as Melee, its still a worthy addition to the bunch because of its balanced fighting roster and great inclusion of ideas. What we need however is a Smash that is more the speed and intensity of Melee, mixing in with the great sounds of the original and the plethora of effort presented in Brawl. Unlike most Nintendo franchises, which has seen better days, the Smash franchise is just as strong as ever, and can only go up from here, granted we get our online mode fully fixed and our roster a bit tweaked. Now if you’ll excuse me, all this talk about Smash Bros. is making me want to play Melee again.




Here’s to Smash Brothers!!!

The 2010 Theme Park Attendance Results

Due to my love for the theme park numbers and competition that follows (and my inability to be patient), I e-mailed the TEA and asked for their 2010 attendance report, since they usually release it in April/May and it had mysteriously not come out yet. What can I say? I love numbers and wanted to see how much of a punch Harry Potter delivered. Without explanation, they kindly e-mailed back and told me they would send the report as soon as it was ready. Surprisingly, they actually stayed true to their word and in the nicest manner sent me a rough draft of the report. So now, without further interruption, I am going to present the 15 most-visited theme parks around the world.


Here are the 2009 Numbers

Once again, a million thanks to the TEA.

The percentages indicate the change in attendance between 2009 and 2010.

=========
#1: Magic Kingdom
16,972,000
-1.5%

#2: Disneyland
15,980,000
+0.5%

#3: Tokyo Disneyland
14,452,000
+5.9%

#4: Tokyo DisneySea
12,663,000
+5.5%

#5: Epcot
10,825,000
-1.5%

#6: Disneyland Paris
10,500,000
-2.6%

#7: Animal Kingdom
9,686,000
+1.0%

#8: Hollywood Studios
9,603,000
-1.0%

#9: Universal Studios Japan
8,160,000
+2.0%

#10: Everland
6,884,000
+11.6%

#11: California Adventure
6,278,000
+3.0%

#12: Islands of Adventure
5,949,000
+30.2%

#13: Universal Studios Florida
5,925,000
+6.1%

#14: Lotte World
5,551,000
+22.4%

#15: Hong Kong Disneyland
5,200,000
+13%
===========
A few things stood out as I saw this report. Mainly, the power of Harry Potter. Islands of Adventure’s attendance exploded by over 30% in a struggling American economy. And this comes as a major surprise seeing that nearly every Disney park in the Central Florida area dropped heavily in attendance. To add to that, Sea World in Orlando dropped over 10%, and after one year as the top non-Disney park, slipped from #12 to #16. Very shocking and sadening fall, since its been improving a bit in recent years---AND they got rid of that awful Believe show.

To add to the numbers falling, all the water park attendance dropped in Central Florida, especially Aquatica and Wet n' Wild. And adding to this news from the TEA, the attendance of the first quarter of 2011 in Harry Potter Lan--er, Islands of Adventure had gone up over 80%. Should Disney be sweating? Not now, but in the future if those numbers still linger they may have to pull a few trump cards. Even the dated and mediocre Universal Studios went up heavily as a result of the younger brother raking in the millions.

Hollywood Studios is now the least-attended Disney park, losing to Animal Kingdom. While Everest, the Nemo show, and our reviving love towards animals boosted the park to recover after a sluggish start; Hollywood on the other hand has struggled to bring in the numbers even after Toy Story and American Idol. And after experiencing Star Tours II open up Star Wars Weekends, it looks like the muggy streak may not end. The park really hasn't gotten much of a boost with the release of the revival. Perhaps limiting Fantasmic to a few nights is starting to take effect. And perhaps the dying appeal of American Idol, their attempted new flagship attraction, also had an effect.

Magic Kingdom is once again the top banana, but the lead over Disneyland is swindling. And with the Fantasyland expansion not arriving until.....well, we don't know, and with the other parks not providing enough incentive to make you vacation there, can Disneyland claim the top spot of 2011? Or could it be one of the parks in Japan? Both Disney parks in Japan, despite being far behind, went up over 5% last year. And with American tourism still low and Asian attendance remaining high, we might see a foreign winner in the future. I lie, its hard to bring down Magic Kingdom, and unless they screw up the marketing for the new Fantasyland (Like they have for....everything in Hollywood Studios), Magic Kingdom's throne should be safe for a while.

Only two parks in the top 15 are not Universal or Disney, with Disney once again occupying the top 8 parks in the world, and the top 6 in the United States. Everland once again is the top park not from the theme park industry giants as it consistently rakes in at least 8 million visitors in a country that doesn't have a strong tourist economy when compared to the other competitors. With an 11.6% boost, its another example of the Asian theme park economy not being affected by the small American slump.

Bottom Line: The top 10 remains dominated by Disney, even though Epcot and Animal Kingdom moved up a notch or two while Disneyland Paris and Hollywood Studios dropped. Harry Potter is sending Universal Studios to numbers it couldn't dream, as now they overtook Sea World Orlando and became the top non-Disney parks in North America--and are even creeping into the top 10 as Harry Potter Mania continues to overwhelm and meet the customer demand. While Disney shouldn't have to look in the rearview mirror anytime soon, I am sure they'll have to check the gas and see what they can deliver in the tank. Only time will tell if this new controversial Fantasyland expansion can actually deliver the phenomenal boost that Universal has been receiving from the famed wizard.

Only time will tell if Harry Potter is the next Star Wars, or the next Lord of the Rings--an epic that ran its course and doesn't quite have the lasting power of the most potent franchises. As for the overseas markets, they are definitely improving a bit, with Japan being the outstanding example and rising global leader China not being too far behind.

In the meantime, congrats to Disney for being #1...and #2...and #3....but don't slack off too much now, because Universal is back with a vengeance.

A million thanks to the TEA for making this possible.

The Official Star Tours II Review

Star Tours II is the long-waited, long-overdue sequel to the classic attraction that when first opened was ahead of its time, ahead of the curve, and definitely an immediate hit. While the ride remained entertaining, we all knew it was slightly dated. With Harry Potter over in the theme park dark side becoming a smash success, Disney decided to go to this ride and give it a much needed upgrade. It closed in fall of 2010 (amidst a lot of complaints nonetheless) and the details concerning the ride remained deathly secret. Nobody knew anything for the longest, we all just knew it was going to be 3-D and would have new destinations.

At the same time though I was deathly afraid that it was going to disappoint because of the recent streak of Disney’s newer attractions….and we are all still trying to mentally recover from the abysmal Pixar parade currently polluting Hollywood Studios. And let's not forget Disney Channel Rocks. Now that I think of it, Hollywood has seen better days. Not sure if my heart could handle Star Tours being disappointing.













The queue area is very similar to that of the original, except with a much more modern and cleaned-up look. C-3PO did not look like rusty metal, as he shined and gleamed as he talked to the cast member waiting around. In the next room there was less garbage being moved around, but the two robots inspecting the area hilariously interacted with each other and seemingly with the people waiting in line. There are cameos all over the place in this room, and totally makes up for the endless barrage of garbage that was being transported around in the original Tour. Patrick Warbuton lends his talents to yet another Disney thing, as he voices one of the robots.





The loading area was also the same, but looked cleaner, fresher, and much more Star Wars-like. After more endless waiting (It was only 5 minutes, but felt like 555), I was finally seated, with the 3-D glasses, ready to rock. Now, I am strongly against 3-D everything, but I was still willing to give it a shot. It is Star Wars after all.

The ride was like this: a Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Anniversary, Birthday, Unbirthday, Valentine’s, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Grandparents’ Day, and Graduation present wrapped into one delicious package for Star Wars fans. The more embedded in the Star Wars culture you are, the more you are going to enjoy this ride. In other words, there will be tears and the manliest of men squealing like little girls during Star Wars Weekends while riding this. While the original had its subtle Star Wars references, this one has references sprinkling and scattered throughout the entire movie. This one also has a handful of references to the original Star Tours, and even one towards George Lucas himself.

Look at this number: 54. Remember this number: 54. There are 54 different variations of Star Tours---as there are multiple beginnings, multiple destinations, multiple surprises, multiple intermissions, and multiple endings. While the differences are small amongst the variations (aside from the potential destinations) the fact is you can ride this many times and chances are you’ll have a totally different experience. The five times I rode it I got something different, and they range from good to fun to spectacular. On one instance I was racing on Tatooine, on another I was smack in the middle of Hoth (my personal favorite), and even engaged in a high-speed escape in Coruscant, and at one point had a showdown with a familiar foe in Geonosis. I am still missing at least 4 destinations. I am begging, begging that they still kept the original battle on the Death Star from A New Hope.


Begging.


The 3-D aspect of the ride is by no means a distraction, and definitely loosely enhances the ride with some cool effects and some cool moments. Could it have been done without the 3-D? Perhaps, with a much wider screen. But the 3-D allows for the action to be closer to your face, as you’ll see many droids come after you, lasers fly towards you in a brisk pace, and even snow scatter through the corners of your eyes. I am not a true convert to 3-D (I will never watch it in movies) but I will accept the fact that in order for Star Tours II to truly function, the glasses are needed.

Now of course, there comes its drawback. You know I had to find one--even though technically it was another Star Wars fan that started this conversation. The first Star Tours had a concrete storyline and it worked; basically a tour went wrong as you land smack inside a battle to destroy the death star. In here however, the chronological order of the adventures you encounter sometimes doesn’t work as you may start off at Hoth (Episode V), but then wind up in the past (Episode III) as you fight in the planet __________ (I can’t spoil every detail now). Disney has backed off a little on adding cohesive storylines to its attractions (What the heck is Toy Story Mania about anyway??) but you aren’t going to care as your tour blasts through multiple destinations in the Star Wars canon. And, they all look spectacular too. Even the locations from the prequels (heh, heh, heh...)


Bottom Line: Star Tours II is not just a remake, but instead a long-overdue (I am re-using these words, I know, shut up) sequel/celebration of the Star Wars franchise, and all the characters, settings, and mayhem involved in the six epic movie chapters. The special effects are definitely improved, the 3-D effects are nice, and the sheer variety of the ride itself doesn’t just warrant but flat-out demands multiple visits. There honestly is little that can be improved upon, as the Imagineers were truly given the freedom (and budget) to create an out-of-the-ordinary experience. If they honestly had the same amount of creativity they imposed on this ride to most other Disney attractions, we would have a totally different Walt Disney World. But that’s another story (and eventually another article). In the meantime, I strongly recommend the new Star Tours, and especially if you are a Star Wars fan.

And then ride it again. And again. And again.













P.S. These Vader cupcakes are freakin' legit.

The E3 2011 Opinionated Runaround

All three conferences of E3 have been unveiled, of course to plenty of surprises, controversy, and disappointment. Microsoft went first, and Sony follows several hours later. Nintendo did theirs on the very next day, perhaps with the most anticipation since they have a new system coming out next year. Surely enough this is one of the most important E3s in a very long time as the eighth generation of gaming was emerging quietly. I will breakdown each conference, what they did wrong, and what I predict is in their future.



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Microsoft
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What They Did Right: Halo 4. Microsoft’s flagship franchise despite a lot of skepticism (Bungie left, remember?) was a nice (albeit, somewhat expected) surprise to round out the evening. On an E3 with few surprises, Halo 4 was a nice addition. And I guess I should be proud of Microsoft for sticking with Kinect rather than treat it as a small fad that was used only to counteract with the Wii.

What They Did Wrong: The Kinect. The hardcore crowd I am sure must feel a little offended that the gimmick created to rival the other gimmick is cutting into the hardcore time. The fact that Kinect will be used for titles like the next Gears, the next Forza, and the next Halo means the games have to be adjusted a little to suit with the new technology. The Kinect should stay away from XBox’s better franchises and should stick with light party games—much like Wii Sports Resort. And the new Fable looks quite disappointing. As a matter of fact, the entire conference reeked of mediocrity. The XBox 360 has had a fantastic run, don’t get me wrong, but all we see are more shooters, more sequels, and more Kinect nonsense. Metal Gear Solid Rising once again is noticeably absent, and there just wasn’t much reason to truly be excited for the future of the long-running system.

Predicting Their Future: I predict that while the Wii is running out of steam, the XBox 360 will continue to have a light consistent flow of games being released. In the holiday season however, the 3DS and the PSVita is going to severely cut into their sales. Microsoft had a nice boost with Kinect, but that ship will sail very fast as superior handheld technology and a stunning array of software creeps its way into the final three months.


My Ranking: 3rd in E3.



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Sony
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What They Did Right: The PSVita. It’s a nice-looking handheld, cheap in price, and looks like it will simplify gaming for the masses. In other words, its pulling the Nintendo Wii strategy while at the same time attempt to overthrow sales of Apple’s IPod Touch and IPads rather than directly take on Nintendo. The handheld resembles much more Apple’s nifty toys rather than the dual-screens of the DSs. This strategy just might work, as the mainstream and non-casual gamers tend to appeal to that type of gameplay. Sony dedicated a nice portion of time to this handheld and did not hold back on the details. The price tag was definitely a nice added touch, as it rivals the price of the 3DS. Uncharted and Little Big Planet for the PSVita? Nice indeed.

What They Did Wrong: AT&T? Really? On a more serious note, the PSVita got plenty of love and showcased its attempts to appeal to the hardcore and the mainstream. That being said..........the Playstation 3 was pretty brutally avoided. All the highlights and best portions of the presentation came from the handheld, as they really had little punch left with the PS3 outside the already-dismally-irritating Move. None of the trailers looked that impressive. Along with the 360, it looks like there isn’t much punch left, nothing left in the tank. The Playstation 3 made a miraculous comeback, and it’s a miracle if Sony can pull any type of large profit in spite of all that’s happened, but I personally believe that Sony should start prepping for the PS4. Its time. One final note: no apologizing over the recent shutdown of the network is a no-no.

Predicting Their Future: The PS3 will continue to fight neck-to-neck against the XBox 360 in the coming months, but when the PSVita comes out the focus will shift. I think the Vita will become a massive sales hit in the holiday season, and unless the 3DS can pull some heavy punches this might be the first holiday season in which a handheld not by Nintendo sells the most.

My Ranking: 2nd in E3



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Nintendo
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What They Did Right: Saved the 3DS from anymore destruction in reputation. It’s a nice handheld machine with plenty of potential, but none of it has been met in the slightest bit. A plethora of software of exclusives later, there is some life in this handheld. Mario Kart, Star Fox, Kid Icarus, AND a new Mario adventure in the same exact year? And throwing in Zelda: Link’s Awakening and the Virtual Console? That’s new life. And then there’s the WiiU. The potential in this system is phenomenally high, with long-overdue HD graphics and a controller that is destined to provide hours upon weeks of unique gameplay. Like I said, while Nintendo was extremely ho-hum on the details, the potential is there, and Nintendo followers everywhere have other choice but to drool. The backwards-compatibility part is a nice addition as well. Plenty of news, not too much talk about how they are outselling the world, and of course, a brief mention of a Smash Brothers arriving in the 3DS AND the WiiU.

What They Did Wrong: Oh….boy. Potential. The Wii was knocked around a lot critically because of unmet potential, and now I am sticking the same type of complaint to them because of this conference. They revealed the biggest news of E3, but failed to capitalize on it. They got the system, but just got their feet wet in terms of details. Nintendo had no knockout punch, no overwhelmingly awesome surprising news that would send this company to the unquestionable peak of E3 stardom. The 3DS had a great lineup, but they still weren’t 100% convincing you to get the handheld. WiiU sounds extremely promising, but they lacked the AAA software that put you over the top on excitement. Nintendo had the hook, the line, but missed the sinker. No price tag, no specs, and no announcement of what’s coming at launch; when on earth are we going to get these details? Nintendo is trying to win back the hardcore crowd, but while the hardcore was pleased with the 3DS (Slightly), its a much tougher draw with the WiiU when we were limited to tech demos.

P.S. They are not doing enough for Zelda’s 25th anniversary. Where is the collection of games? Why is it just Awakening at Virtual Console instead of Minish Cap, Oracle of Ages, and Oracle of Seasons joining in?

Predicting Their Future: Nintendo’s Wii system is going to struggle mightily throughout the year, before getting a small boost with Skyward Sword coming out. That being said, Skyward will pull a Majora’s Mask and provide very weak sales—regardless of how good the game might be. Why you ask? Because its extremely late in the lifespan of the system, like Majora’s Mask back in 2000 on the N64. The 3DS is going to have some nasty competition coming from the Vita, as they must pull off a great marketing campaign to get the gamers to notice.

Last but not least, we will definitely get news about the WiiU this Fall at a random time.

My Ranking: 1st, but not by much.

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This E3 was quite an interesting one, as many surprises were unveiled, and the next generation of gaming and technology was revealed to plenty of skepticism, criticism, and mayhem. Only with time will we see what the future of gaming will hold. One thing is for certain, your days of playing video games with just a simple controller are long long over. Just ask the 3DS, Kinect, PSVita, Playstation Move, ITouch, IPad, Wii, WiiU.................

How to Star Warsify the Star Wars Weekends

It was my first Star Wars Weekends at the Hollywood Studios working and also attending. I finally got to witness the chaos that follows those bloody three days of Star Wars fanatics running into Star Wars junkies running into Star Wars actors and actresses. To add to that, Star Tours got an overhaul and re-opened to the public to kick off the Weekend, which by the way has opened to good reviews. But there’s something about this year that seemed a little off.

While it was crazy and was a bit hectic, it still didn’t feel like the crowd hit its full potential, and didn’t seem like Disney went the whole nine yards for this event. There was not much of a crowd waiting at midnight for the event to start, and they had an entirely new Star Wars ride waiting for them! The guests didn’t seem as geeked out and thrilled as the stories used to suggest. So has Star Wars lost its luster to the likes of Harry Potter and Marvel? Has Disney stepped back on the lazy scale for this event? And biggest question of all, why has it been only a 45-60 minute wait on a brand new STAR WARS ride? It seems like all these years, Disney hasn’t done much to enhance Star Wars Weekends to appeal to the masses—they’ve stuck to a familiar formula. Well, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right? But what if its time for a change? Surely we got the Star Wars ride, but why can’t we Star Warsify other attractions in the park?


Why can’t we have Star Wars versions of Toy Story, Indiana Jones, and especially Fantasmic? In the case of Indiana Jones, we saw the full potential that can be unleashed when Star Wars and arguably the greatest trilogy in the history of film collides. Last Tour to Endor was a fantastically-done event that featured a superb Star Wars fireworks show that inexplicably is absent from all Star Wars Weekends, and featured a hilarious mash of Indiana Jones and Star Wars. While we can’t have all the celebrities from that specific event all the time, we can do a decently-abridged version of that show for the Weekends. I mean, seriously, why not?

I think the Star Wars peeps would love to constantly see Boba Fett and Indiana Jones duke it out, and eventually Darth Vader showing up to battle Indiana Jones. With some slight fixtures, this could become an awesome staple to the Star Wars Weekends events. And Toy Story: Midway Mania is a ride that because it relies a lot on projections and screens, can also get the Star Wars treatment. Wouldn’t it be awesome to use the Star Wars blaster sound effects while smashing plates that have Jar Jar Bink’s face on it? Wouldn’t it be awesome to dim the lights a little and have the Star Wars music blasting away in the background? It would not be that difficult to pull off if you ask me.

Another ride that can definitely change a little without much money being involved is the Rockin’ Roller Coaster. The ride structure doesn’t have to change, but change the music so you can hear Star Wars and its sound effects while going on the loops and corkscrews. While it would be a mix of themes, isn’t that what the Indiana Jones crossover was? A mixing of themes? You can hear Yoda start the countdown before you blast off. And at the projections in the end instead of Aerosmith, you see that band of aliens playing the infamous Cantina song. Of course, the background music before the ride can all be Star Wars.


Last but most definitely not least, is Fantasmic. So Disney decides not to throw fireworks in sync to Star Wars music like in Last Tour, but why on earth could they not fix up Fantasmic and create a visual/audio presentation of the Star Wars saga? This would be extremely easy to maneuver considering they have all the technology intact. They can create a 15-20 minute movie about the Star Wars movies, syncing with the dramatic score from the films. Think about it, the images on the water can show scenes from all the movies while John Williams’ epic score blasts in the background. It can be a sort of medley, start with the settings and the heroes (and some supporting characters), as you present each of their themes. And then it can progress to the villains, and all the haunting music that follows. I can see Darth Maul swinging around a glow-in-the-dark dual-lightsaber in the middle of the stage with fire suddenly emerging in the middle during the gloomiest parts of the medley.


Of course, we have the impressive battle music as we see all the aerial space battles that have taken place throughout the movies. We can throw in lasers flying everywhere, a few “explosions” sparking the area, and then a grand final explosion when the Death Star gets blown up. For the final sequence of the medley, we can have the throne room music as all the heroes are presented and all the planets can be seen celebrating. As for the grand finale, one final medley showing the most memorable scenes from the six movies, and finally, the recognizable credits sequence as the show ends. Seriously, this has to be done. Disney, you can nab this idea for free. Just get this done.

Bottom Line: Star Wars Weekends used to be the hotspot to get your true Star Wars fix, but progressing technology and advancements in geekdom has led to us being able to enjoy everything Star Wars without having to travel hundreds of miles to visit a place that has reduced the event to signing a few autographs, having a few merchandise things, and having a Star Wars ride. In these tougher times, if you want people to truly come in droves, you better step up and deliver much more. We hit half the attendance we expected on opening day, and that’s with a new ride attached. Is it honestly the economy? Or can it be because the appeal of Weekends is dying? I am sure the pure insanity of Star Wars Weekends can make a comeback if Disney can prove that they will enhance what they already have. At least show you are really trying.

Nowadays, its going to take more than celebrities and a small dance-off to bring everybody to your park.

So we can declare Gaming Wars VII over, correct?

With E3 around the corner, and Nintendo and Sony introducing next-generation stuff, it is pretty much time to determine and announce the winner of this current generation of gaming. Despite the weak second half, despite the total lack of support from third-parties, despite the hardcore pretty much neglecting it to a point of disease, and despite the awful reputation given to it on the internet, the Nintendo Wii pretty much dominated this generation and was the outstanding winner by a wide margin. The funny thing is if Nintendo had supported it a bit better, it could have broken every sales record in the book. If Nintendo had applied a little more effort during the latter years of its run, we really could have had the biggest system in the history of gaming.


If only the phenomenal support from the first couple years had continued. Within the first few years, we already had a Zelda title, one Mario title, a Metroid title, a Smash Brothers waiting around the corner, and a few new franchises bouncing around. If only they could have continued this wonderful trend in later years with more F-Zero, Kirby (legit Kirby, by the way), Star Fox, Pokemon (legit one, no knockoff stuff), Earthbound, Kid Icarus, the Mario Sports games, and a little more from the main franchises.

And no, Metroid: Other M does not count.

Nonetheless:


7 of the 20 best-selling video games come from the Nintendo Wii. The best-selling game of all-time is on the Wii. The best-selling racing game of all-time is on the Nintendo Wii. The two best-selling fitness games of all-time are on the Wii. The best-selling fighting game of all-time is on the Nintendo Wii. They have over 10 games that have sold over 7 million copies, which is something no other system has accomplished. The Wii has been around for about 55 months, and has sold at a rate of 1.5 million a month. It beat the Gamecube in overall sales in just a couple of years. At one point, it had nearly 70% market share, which is something no system (except the NES) had ever pulled off.

They accomplished all this with no third-party support, much weaker hardware, pure shunning from the hardcore crowd, and much less excellent games when compared to the other two systems. What Nintendo did right was market their product to the mainstream, damning the hardcore crowd after the abandonment of the Gamecube. The Wii shoved the world of gaming into the limelight and the mainstream, and their focus on cheaper games with innovative ways of gaming paved the way for the success of Apple’s influx of tiny games that are quietly chomping into the handheld market. Nintendo made games accessible not just to the teenage/college crowd, but also families, retirement homes, and even fitness centers.


What prevented this massive rush of success from hitting PS2 heights (and we all know it could have happened) was the incoming competition, the momentum running out of steam, the support dying in an alarming rate, and also Nintendo realizing they could pull all they could from their little machine. Graphically, they peaked with Super Mario Galaxy---and that was just two years in!



The Kinect made a much stronger hit than we may have predicted (Nintendo really had no answer, nor did they try) leading to nearly 10 million in sales. The Sony Move-controller-crap thing failed to do much but provide superior technology and more reasons for us to laugh at them. But the Wii was looking dated with the Kinect around, and then the mainstream started distancing itself from the machine, moving instead to Apple and their IPad/IPod/IPhone invasion. Nintendo didn’t have the hardcore (or technological opportunity) to fall back on, so therefore, less sales despite 2010 being a more than decent year of gaming for Ninty. The Wii had nearly fully run out of steam.

The XBox 360 and PS3 were clearly designed to last in the long run of this war, but neither expected that a) Nintendo would take such a massive lead and b) Nintendo would jump ship so fast, so sudden, and so...out of nowhere. Not only did Nintendo win the war, but also dictated the pace of it, by moving to the next generation as soon as the Kinect started pushing the motion-capture technology. That’s all Nintendo could do, as the Wii really couldn’t do much more than decent motion-capture gameplay. No HD support, no ability to play any DVDs, the online is still leagues behind Sony and especially (especially) Microsoft. The Wii was like the aging boxing legend: amazing at his prime, but has nothing left to compete with the younger guns.

But unlike previous generations when Nintendo would pull off questionable decisions, they hit all the right targets with the Wii. They knew how to profit immediately (something Sony and Microsoft could not accomplish at all), knew how to market it, and knew exactly when to quit. They knew that superior technology was right behind them, which is why they pushed the 3DS so quickly, to take away from the momentum of the shifting tides. Just a shame 3DS has no software yet……………


The XBox 360 could have been the first system to ever win the war despite coming out first and a bit ahead of the competition. Check out the previous systems that started out first: Sega Dreamcast (disaster), Sega Saturn (Even more disaster), TurboGrafx-16 (Do you even know what this is?). But what happened was simple: too similar to the Playstation 3. The XBox was nowhere near as good as the 360, but had a better core (quantity-wise, that is) of games exclusive to the system. The 360 however chipped into Sony’s third-party support—from Final Fantasy to Grand theft Auto and even the seemingly impossible-to-receive Metal Gear Solid. This led to Sony dropping significantly, but also prevented Microsoft from truly making a push for first. I am sure they can settle for the “Most Successful American-Made System in History” title—which started ringing true a couple years ago after topping the Atari hardware sales.

If the XBox wants to grow into the #1 spot, they need to step up its first-party game, something that has saved Nintendo time and time again. It is such a shame that Rareware never became the powerhouse that it used to be with the Nintendo 64. Most of the success stories of the 360 can be found on other systems, and even if they weren’t at first, eventually shifted away. Bioshock was the best example, as it was one of the better games of this generation but Microsoft couldn’t prevent it from moving to the Playstation.


As for Sony, they need to get back down to earth. Its ridiculous price tag for the first few years was unjustifiable and purely stupid, even with the Blu-Ray feature. Sony has far better first-party support than Microsoft but lacks the reputation of being more willing to adhere to gamers. The best examples include the pathetic launch, nasty high prices, and recent disastrous fights against Anonymous and the eventual consequences---I truly believe that organization was involved in the shutdown of the Playstation Network. What good does it do Sony to have excellent franchises like Little Big Planet and Uncharted if they actually sued a person that actually bought one of their systems? Yes, he is a hacker, but he was one man, didn’t hurt the company one bit. Sometimes an image can make or break you—just ask Disney and how they still make money despite pricy offerings.




Bottom Line: In the seventh generation of gaming, I declare the winner to be the: Nintendo Wii! With 47% market share and 86 million sold, there’s no question they will remain the best-seller if this generation, despite what happens in the future.

Nintendo won the crazy war because they knew how to market their far-cheaper machine and also because they were the first to not avoid the mainstream, but to embrace and invite the mainstream into the world of gaming. Hopefully though, they will push to win back their hardcore crowd with Project Café. This generation of gaming brought us some of the nastiest battles and some of the greatest games ever created, and it’s great that this gaming warfare continues to rage on between the three. As for now, I can safely give Nintendo the crown as they have a 30 million-sale lead over the others.

Unlike previous generations, each system had a great chance to win, but ultimately bad decisions, nasty economy, and a little luck gave the advantage to the Nintendo Wii in every possible way. Can Nintendo ride this wave to the next generation? Only time will tell, but as for now, the competition has some catching up to do.

Here’s to the future of gaming, and Gaming Wars VIII. Cheers.








P.S. **$#*(#*($ it, where is my Earthbound sequel?!?!?!